Duty. Are you Mister or Mrs Responsibility?

Duty. Are you Mister or Mrs Responsibility?

Last week my six-year-old son received the ‘Responsibility’ spotlight award. Apparently, it is a big thing when you are a first grader at his elementary school.  I was proud but also a little bit worried. Perhaps it is too soon to be responsible. The word that I heard many times as a child was: ‘Duty’. Duty was a trendy word in 1986 in Eastern Europe, but now it is completely out of fashion. It is responsibility the word that a first grader in the US is taught.

So where are you, my dear reader when it comes to Duty and Responsibility? Do you like it, do you hate it, does it drive you?

When it’s 6. 15 0 am and the alarm goes off, do you jump out of the bed? Why do you do that? There is one answer to it: Duty.

As many parents and working people do, I also get out of bed at 6.15. When I enter the room of my 6-year old (Mrs. Responsibility) there is yawning, screaming, sleep- walking towards the washroom and sometimes rejection of every T-shirt. There is complaining about my taste in socks, but after 15 minutes we manage to get to the kitchen for breakfast.

I don’t like my mornings and I even wonder whether raising kids with a strong sense of discipline and duty from such a young age is a good think. We are no different than the communists who were preparing the five-year old children like me to become pioneers. But what else can we do?

The society rules are clear – the school is offered but the discipline comes with it. I hate to say it, but in the morning, I am not the patient leadership coach who gives clients the time to think. In the morning with the kids, I am a tough soccer coach with a whistle and a timer in my hand. I am cheering them up and ushering them towards the front door to catch the school bus.

In leadership training, one of the most often question we pose when it comes to the life’s purpose is: What gets you up in the morning? I always struggled to come up with an intelligent answer to that one – the truth is there are only 2 things for me: the alarm clock or one of my kids showing up next to my bed.

In fact, what lies behind the alarm clock is the word Duty. …the duty towards the employer who pays you salary or the client you serve, but ultimately it is the duty towards your family or even the future family if you are planning for one at some point.

In this new world of purpose driven mission statements, duty is a world we don’t like. To me it felt old-fashion, it reminding me of the communist propaganda from the first 10 years of my life in Romania. To a lot of my friends from The Netherlands, duty sounds like attending the extended family birthday parties or even worse like the catholic church.. Here in America duty is associated with army and patriotism.

But, still if we were to give ‘Duty’ the credit it deserves in the world, we would soon realize that Duty is what makes the world move.

It did so ever since humans started to organize themselves in social units called families.  As the social forms got sophisticated Duty became the driving force behind churches, armies and countries, it is what makes the 7. bil people on this planet subdued, obedient and compliant to the order of things. Duty is often hidden in words such as Love, Dedication, Loyalty and Patriotism.   Still, Love without duty is simply a fleeing affair, loyalty without duty is an empty word and Patriotism without duty is hypocrisy. 

Despite our reluctance to admit it, for generations and generations the primary duty of any girl was to become a woman and bear children. It will take years of feminist movements to remove that predefined norm in so many of our societies. As early as the age of 3 we start observing our mothers who dutifully attend to our feeding and nurturing needs and without realizing we learn why is it important. Later, in school we learn to practice duty in small steps, by learning to obey rules and doing our homework.

There is still a short period of our life, when we are ultimately free of that clenching gasp of Duty – the teenager rebel time. We think that we escaped it  but when we are not paying attention, a new duty might come into play and that is the Duty to our GANG of friends.

Later, as a young adult you go to work in an organization and you learn duty to your boss and to your team, in order to get the monthly salary to feed your family. The Circle is complete and the next 30 to 40 years until your retirement, you are driven by this invisible force that makes you do things you don’t want. While Responsibility and Duty for the others is important, where is the DUTY to ourselves? What kind of responsibility do we have to keep our health and mind sane until the end? What kind of responsibility do we have towards our childhood dreams.

How can we keep our eyes open to see duty for what it is. When we turn 80 or even older and we look back on our life – what will we think it’s important and  what will be our regrets?

👍Steliana van de Rijt-Economu, the author ‘Mothers as leaders‘ is a leadership and positive intelligence coach.

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Wearing the same T-shirt doesn’t make you a team. But, what does?

Wearing the same T-shirt doesn’t make you a team. But, what does?

The Tokyo Olympics finally brought some positive news to report on. After a year dominated by COVID country statistics, we are now talking about countries winning medals. Humanity and what is good in people shines when we cheer for each other. 

 

In this picture, Jacquelyn Young, Stefanie Dolson, Kelsey Plum, and Allisha Gray of Team United States celebrate victory and winning the gold medal in the 3×3 Basketball competition on day five of the Olympic Games on July 28, 2021 in Tokyo, Japan. What stood out for me, as I was reading about their victory was how their feminine leadership shined through in the humility and grace they showed as they accepted their prize. 

Plum led the early charge, scoring the team’s first five points in the final game and she also scored the most points for the America’s team in the tournament; her total tally was 55 points in nine games, and still this is her statement:

“I’m so proud of this team and myself too. We fought so hard to get here and it wasn’t always easy and we’re really happy with what we’ve done…’

Jacquelyn Young said: “I’m so happy to have been a part of this,” Gray,  dedicated the gold to her parents who “sacrificed so much” for her, supporting her dreams “all the way.” 

As a coach for business teams, I couldn’t help myself from drawing an analogy with the teams I have been part of in my corporate life or with the teams I had the honour of coaching. There is so much we can learn from sport teams, but ultimately the reason why everybody loves to watch sport teams is the emotions: joy, pride, happiness, tears, are all shared among players. This is what unifies them and this is what makes them perform in those last seconds when they need a win. It is not the pep talk of their team leader or their team coach that gets the adrenaline surging and it is not even the clarity of their common purpose.

 

In the past ten years of coaching leadership teams, I focused a lot on the importance of a shared team purpose. My sense is that ‘purpose’ is the most used word in the business slang nowadays. Too many hours have been spent on team workshops that eventually lead to a nice statement. And, if we learned anything from the 2020-2021 virtual business teams, is that people need human connection and emotions in order to sustain performance and team spirit on long term.  

The first team I ever experienced, it wasn’t a sport team or a school team. It was actually the multi-generational Economu family I grew-up in when living on a farm in Romania. My Grandma was the Matriarchal leader. We all had clear roles and tasks at the farm, even myself as a 7-year old girl I had to help with the animals. I got to play, but I also had duties. When we had good crops due to a good summer and lots of hard work, we all celebrated the win because we all contributed.

So what makes a real team, if not the T-shirt they wear?

For me it is a about a group of people with complimentary skills who share a common purpose and passion and because of that they are willing to do whatever tasks are needed to deliver and exceed on the expectations set upon themselves by their stakeholders and by their ambition. A real team shares emotions and players are comfortable with constructive conflict when if it serves the bigger team cause.

In a real team, players are humble, proud and grateful to be a part of a group, even when individually they scored the highest points. Just like Stephanie Dolson, of the USA 3×3 baseball team did.

If you were to compare your work team with a sports team or with a family team, what would you be missing? What can you learn?

And because it’s important to lead your team with empathy and high energy, even when you are not the formal leader, transformation starts with you.⁠

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