The Trap of “Being Right”: From the kitchen table to the systemic team coach world
A few weeks ago, a friend shared a breakthrough. He had finally resolved a three‑year communication “glitch” with an important person in his life. The solution wasn’t a complex negotiation. It was simpler—and much harder: he let go of the need to be right. Instead, he showed commitment to the relationship by simply showing up.
Trust, Empathy, and the Bravery to Let Go of Ego
These three themes followed me throughout the month of March. During my first IWD (International Women’s Day) interview on March 1st, 14‑year‑old Kara spoke about empathy as a “cure” for world leaders. Jennifer Hughes, our public‑relations expert, explored the connection between trust and transparency. And finally, our poet and artist Wen Lozano reflected on the quiet bravery required to stay calm when the ground is shifting.
Despite their different backgrounds, all seven women leaders I interviewed kept returning to the same core messages. Intellectually, I understood the point.
As a Systemic Team Coach and Rice University Mentor Coach, I talk about this constantly with our coaches and students. I know that “being right” is often the enemy of “being effective”—and, more often than not, the enemy of “being loved.”
But as life tends to do, the universe decided I needed a practical exam… or let’s call it a “school field day.”
The Kitchen Reality
During my trip to Romania, I hit a wall in a personal relationship. My affection and sense of justice clouded my judgment, and I stepped in to “save” someone who didn’t actually need saving. I slipped out of my coaching presence and into a rescuer role. The result? A mess that still hasn’t been cleaned up.
Today—ten days later—the realization finally landed: I didn’t have to intervene. Even if I was right, I needed to trust the system and trust them to be brave.
Sometimes we need a coaching mindset in the kitchen, not only during a formal coaching session. And other times, we need to bring the same commitment, trust, and passion we invest in our kitchen conversations into our boardrooms and virtual workshops.
The Learning Point: The Space Between
In my Team Coaching workshop in Romania this month, we worked on creating a “one‑team feeling” between two teams by leveraging self‑awareness, emotional intelligence, and positive intelligence as pathways to building collective trust in their ability to do better together than they do apart.
The biggest hurdle wasn’t the structural merger; it was building the bravery to let go of the “old ego” for the sake of succeeding together.
When we try to “save” our teams—or our family members—we unintentionally strip them of their agency. True systemic and authentic leadership, whether in a billion‑dollar merger or at the kitchen table, requires us to:
- Surrender the need to be right
- Invest the heart—passion and bravery—into the process
- Trust the system to find its own resolution, while accepting our imperfect human nature
As I reflect on this full month of March—from the International Women’s Day stage to the Romanian energy‑sector challenges, all against a backdrop of global political volatility—I am reminded that the “family team” is our most constant laboratory and our deepest source of bravery.
Turning Tables – A Question for You
Where are you trying to “save” someone who doesn’t need saving? And what might happen if, just for this week, you traded your “rightness” for a little more trust—in the universe, in the system, and in yourself.
With humility and respect, Steliana
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About the Author:
I’m Steliana van de Rijt-Economu, founder of ‘Mothers as Leaders – learning across borders’ and author of ‘Parentship’ and ‘Mothers as Leaders’. My mission is to bring shared leadership into families, teams, organizations, and society by empowering the next generation and breaking generational silos.